Food one-liners

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.

The family of tomatoes

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Constantly complaining about the temperature

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Flyer Bike

This is called HORSE POWER

Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

Would you define OCR?

OCR - Optical Character Recognition

A technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the :'s that come out like ;'s.

Bill Gates picks his own punishment

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

Reason 1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

Reason 2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Reason 3 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Reason 4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Reason 5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ”

Reason 6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

Reason 7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples.

MJ's Beat It in LEGO

Funny Accident

"What are you doing man"

Sultan of Brunei

3 children are born every second in this world; 

10 mobile phones sold on the international level; 

auto manufacturers produce a car every 4.5 seconds on average; 

and on the level of the human mind = brain cells send 200 directives each second 

to perform the various functions of physical and mental health. 

The world spends 37 million Euros for arms on the international level in one second 

And the Sultan of Brunei's wealth increases by 90 Euros every second! 

No envy please! 

This means around 5400 Euros per minute, 324000 Euros each hour, 7776000 Euros a day 

Implies about 54432000 Euros a week (that's 54 million and 432000 thousand Euros)

Brunei's Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah ... President of the richest country in the world 

Popular, lavish, ... uses gold in everything 

Was born literally eating with spoons made of gold 

Clothes worn embroidered with gold and silver 

These are some pictures of his palace ... 

The largest and most luxurious palace in the world... 

Consists of 1788 rooms with some furnished in gold and diamond-encrusted 

257 bath inlaid with gold and silver 

and a garage to accommodate 110 cars 

The palace has 650 suites ... each furnished at not less than 150,000 thousand Euros 

This requires the visitor to spend 24 hours just to inspect each room for 30 seconds 

The Sultan of Brunei's plane 

Most luxurious aircraft in the world, inlaid with gold 

The Sultan has also a Boeing 747 worth a hundred million dollars , 

and then re-designed as a home at a cost of more than one hundred and twenty million dollars . 

Featured add-ons such as a whirlpool bath of pure gold 

He also has six small aircraft and two helicopters. 

One of the cars of the Sultan of Brunei 

At the special request of the Sultan of Brunei, 

the Rolls Royce company 

combined their car designs with that of Porsche. 

This vehicle is currently in London 

for use during his stay in Britain 

When the Sultan of Brunei's daughter married, 

the legendary celebrations continued for 14 days, 

at a cost of about five million dollars, 

attended by more than 25 heads of state and family members. 

Sultan of Brunei car inlaid with pure gold 

The Princess wears a crown of diamonds 

and carries a small bouquet of flowers studded with diamonds. 

She also wears huge diamonds as earrings, adding sparkle to her face. 

Wikipedia says he has 

531 Mercedes-Benzes 

367 Ferraris 

362 Bentleys 

185 BMWs 

177 Jaguars 

160 Porsches 

130 Rolls-Royces 

And 20 Lamborghinis 

Bringing the total number of his cars to 1,932

THE LONELY FROG

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. 

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." 

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

THOSE NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY PETS

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

A Funny Animal

Bull fight

Free Kick

Firemen's Revenge

Snake Or A Bump??

TV Cat